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Newspaper reports

The Observer, Amy Lawrence: "When you have scored 103 goals and set a scoring record in your last season, it is generosity beyond the call of duty for your first opponents of this term to be doling out gifts. Scott Carson continued the fine traditions of post-modern England goalkeepers by panicking and spilling with all the grace of a Laurel and Hardy sketch. The season was only five minutes old and Chelsea were back in the old routine. The goal machine clicked back into gear."

Sunday Telegraph, Jeremy Wilson: "Six goals, a hat-trick from Didier Drogba and immediately back on top of the league. As a statement of intent, this was so emphatic that some bookmakers are already quoting odds on Chelsea remaining at the summit of the Premier League all the way until May."

Independent on Sunday, Mark Fleming: "It was as if the World Cup had never happened as Chelsea’s star names came to the fore, having flopped for their countries on the biggest stage. Didier Drogba was a marginal figure for Ivory Coast, but here he was playing again with conviction and passion, scoring a hat-trick that provided remarkable symmetry with the end of last season, when he scored three goals in Chelsea’s 8-0 demolition of Wigan that clinched the Premier League title on the final day."

Official Chelsea FC Website: "A Didier Drogba hat-trick, Frank Lampard among the goals, a mighty home win and Chelsea on top of the table. No it is not a reposting of the report from the final league game of last season, but happily the first one of this campaign."

The goals

6 Malouda 1-0
45 Drogba 2-0
55 Drogba 3-0
63 Lampard 4-0
68 Drogba 5-0
90 Malouda 6-0

The preamble

As usual, I am writing this preamble, as honestly as I can, the day before the game, without false hindsight.

I am pessimistic about this match. After our very poor pre-season and numerous comments from the club about the poor fitness of the players it seems to me this match has come a fortnight too soon.

West Brom are newly-promoted but I hear that they have invested heavily in several overseas players and have, as their manager, Roberto di Matteo, with Eddie Newton as his assistant. For me, Robbie was a true Chelsea great and I hope that he gets a warm welcome tomorrow. But, for some reason, I always feel nervous when ex-Chelsea people manage teams against us. Poyet with Spurts, Gianfranco and Steve Clarke with the Spammers, Mark Hughes with Blackburn and Citeh have all got results against us in the past few seasons. And even Avram Grant with Portsmouth, got close to us in the FA Cup final last May. And, of course, Jose knocked us out of the Champions League last season as well. They all seem to come with a point or two to prove and their teams always fight very hard.

I have real doubts about our defence, too. We have let in seven goals in the last three matches, the majority of them from absurd mistakes. Both reserve goalkeepers, Zhirkov, JT, Ivanovic and Ashley have all been suspect and don’t inspire confidence. Riccy has gone to Real Madrid and, although I feel he is not the player he was a few years ago, he urgently needs replacing as only JT and Alex are left, with Bruma and Mancienne to back them up. I know Ivan is a central defender, too, but I would prefer to see him at right-back, in which position he was so outstanding last season.

Up front we have also looked poor, with Drogs recovering from surgery, Nic playing out of position, Kalou erratic as ever, and only Dan Sturridge looking lively.

My prediction is that we will come away with a narrow win – as happened against Hull in the opening fixture at home last season, when Drogs rescued us with a mis-hit winner in the last minute.

I remind myself that we are the Premier League Champions (with a new record of 103 goals scored) and the only team so far to win the Double in the 21st Century. We have a very, very good manager who proved many of us wrong last season (including me) and we have been nominated by the majority of pundits (including Andy Townsend!) to win the League again. We still have a squad with some outstanding players, including the returning Michael Essien, who is the equivalent of a new signing after so long out with his made-in-Ghana injuries. We have signed Ramires, with the prospect of getting Neymar, too – two very exciting Brazilians who may well solve the problem many of us noticed in the pre-season games: a lack of pace and inventiveness moving forward.

And here is another fact to get things in perspective. Exactly twenty years ago Chelsea opened their season (managed by Geoff Hurst) in the old Second Division with a 2-2 draw against Wrexham. As we trooped away from the Shed at the end I recall that the general mood was mild relief that we had not, yet again, thrown away the game with another shambolic defensive performance (dear old Petar Borota was in goal that day). Let’s just keep reminding ourselves how lucky we are now to be urging on the English Champions.

But we really do need to come out of the sticks fast with at least three wins against West Brom, Wigan, Stoke and West Ham in our first four games. This season could be even tougher than last year’s and, in my view, early dominance is essential. We really cannot afford any slip-ups against the relegation candidates.

The team

Cech; Paulo Alex JT Ashley; Essien Mikel Lamps; Anelka Drogs Malouda.

Subs: Hilario, Ivan, van Aanholt, Zhirkov, Benayoun, Kalou, Sturridge.

OK, I am going to have a moan about this selection. If Ivan is fit then he should be at right-back. If Drogs is still struggling for fitness then why aren’t we putting Sturridge on first, with Drogs ready to come on if we struggle? And I would have liked to see Kakuta on the bench rather than Zhirkov, who is also recovering from an injury and has looked very poor in those pre-season games. And why name four left-sided players in the squad?

Carlo frequently baffles me with his selections and substitutions. But that may be one of the reasons why he is the Manager of Chelsea Football Club and I am not.

The game

After just three minutes we’ve got our Chelsea back, with Lamps, Nic, Malouda and Ashley interchanging passes and combining effortlessly up on the left, despite the pelting rain. Nic is first on target with a shot well saved by Scott Carson. And on five minutes we are ahead. We get a slightly fortunate free-kick when Malouda loses possession and is then brought down. Up steps Drogs, and his drive is pushed away by Carson, only for John Obi to jump-pass for Malouda to knock it in. Good to see Jon Obi so far forward and, indeed, he looks like a different player to me, playing far more forward.

Our tactics are interesting. On paper it looks like a 4-3-3 but from moment to moment this seems to change to 4-5-1, to 4-2-1-2-1 as the emphasis from attack, to defence, to playing keep-ball changes, and the intelligence of the players dictates. Hard to tell whether West Brom are a decent side or not because we are closing them down so quickly: the moment they gain possession we seem to have four or five men around the ball-holder. As a result they resort to long balls which gives us the possession back.

The Bison and John Obi sometimes combine as two holding midfielders behind Lamps, just as we saw many teams playing in the World Cup. The Bison wasn’t doing his usual rampages forward but that did enable Lamps and Flo to do the creative stuff. And it also got John Obi forward sometimes. I checked it out and John Obi is still only 23, a month older than Ramires, and he is improving all the time.

Nevertheless the remainder of the first half looks a bit scrappy as we play keep-ball, looking for the counter-attack, while West Brom flood the midfield. On 39 minutes we get what would have been a replica of the opening goal. This time Lamps takes the free kick, their goalie pushes it away, but Flo heads just over.

But on 45 minutes the Drogs Bollocks steps up and knocks a 25-yard free kick around the wall and into the net with absurd simplicity (although it was a very poor wall). Leaving me feeling like a bit of an idiot with my pre-match comments.

Half-time: Chelsea 2 West Bromwich Albion 0.

The second half

The first ten minutes is scrappy with us content with the lead and playing on the counter-attack. West Brom take the game to us, and pass well, but don’t, with one exception (a free kick from Dorrans), create any chances. JT and Alex both look nonchalant.

On 55 minutes my pre-match pessimism looks even more foolish. With our first real attack of the half we win a corner. Malouda floats it in and JT’s power header is cleared off the line, only for Drogs to scramble it in. Even so, all three goals have come from set-pieces and the West Brom defence is very poor.

At this point Carlo substitutes Ivan for Ferreira. Then it strikes me that Ivan was, probably, still carrying the knock he caught from playing that ‘friendly’ against the cloggers at Eintracht Frankfurt, which was the reason why clever old Carlo didn’t put him on at the start.

On 62 minutes we score our first from open play with yet more beautiful football. Nic plays a diagonal pass to Ashley, who runs on like a hare to set up Lamps, who runs forward and side-foots it into the net. Simple, effective, and quite awesome. We’ve simply carried on where we left off against Wigan with the 8-0.

Job done, Carlo substitutes Lamps with Benayoun. Interesting, that, given that many of us thought that Benayoun was a replacement for Joe Cole. But, in truth, Benayoun did little to excite me during the 25 minutes he was on the pitch.

On 67 minutes it is 5-0 with yet another wonder goal from the Drogs Bollocks. I can’t see from here whether it was Ashley or Flo who set him up but from 28 yards out he hammers a deflected shot into the net to the left of the keeper. Genius!

And now Carlo brings him off and replaces him with Kalou, who does his usual impression of a buzzing bee without that much to show for it.

From now on we are ticking down the clock, happy to let West Brom take possession and come forward. Credit to them, and to Di Matteo, they don’t wilt, and they nearly score on 85 minutes with one shot headed narrowly wide by Alex.

89 minutes. 6-0. Nic – who has been excellent all match now that he is restored to his natural position as support striker, places a perfectly-timed ball through to Malouda, who rounds the keeper and strokes it in.

Full-time: Chelsea 6 West Bromwich Albion 0.

Player assessment

This section is really hard to write because, really, the whole team played well, with one or two possible exceptions amongst the substitutes. The front four: Drogs, Nic, Flo and Lamps were outstanding but only because the Bison and John Obi were solid, unselfish and disciplined behind them. Our back four looked in control from start to finish and it is easy to say ‘Yes – but it’s only West Brom’ – except that West Brom were not that bad a side. Easily better than Eintracht and Hamburg, I thought.

Man of the Match

I really wanted to give this to Malouda, who if he carries on playing like he has today, just as he did last season, will very soon be joining Lamps in the ‘Chelsea Legends’ gallery. But I just have to give it to Drogs. For a man to undergo surgery one month ago and then score a hat-trick on the opening day of the season puts him up there with the Gods.

The good

• We are top of the table from Day One.
• We’ve got our Chelsea back.
• I won’t need to take any Lithium Carbonate tonight.
• Citeh and Spurs draw.
• Our rivals will be reading their newspapers this morning with a sinking feeling of dread.
• Mark Clattenburg. I make a point of complimenting good refereeing performances and Clattenburg, in my opinion, is one of the best in the country.
• KaiserJonny_II. Next time I find myself getting too pessimistic about our prospects I will re-apply myself to his despatches with renewed care and attention.

The bad

• I have no chance whatever of becoming the Manager of Chelsea Football Club.

Final comment from Carlo

“We did our job. Nothing special.”

Related links

• Reaction: We did our job

(more…)

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Newspaper reports

The Guardian, Kevin McCarra: "The prize itself was of little note but rivalry is inescapable for these clubs. If their minds were not on the Community Shield itself, each team must still be obsessed with the other. For Manchester United the motivation was particularly keen as they confronted opponents who took the Premier League and the FA Cup just a few months ago."

Daily Telegraph, Henry Winter: "This was a tale of Little Pea and Quick Pee, of Javier "Chicharito" Hernández and Wayne "Wazza" Rooney, who both demonstrated why Manchester United can never be ruled out of contention for any competition. Too much class, new and old, exists. Too much hunger fills those famous red shirts. … Chelsea, their pride piqued, will simply take defeat as a reminder of the weighty challenge to their title. Insert Ramires in midfield, get Didier Drogba fitter and Michael Essien sharper and Chelsea will be as formidable as ever."

Official Chelsea FC Website: "Chelsea succumbed to Manchester United today as two goals in the second half proved too much for the Blues to come back from. A winner in the final minute from Dimitar Berbatov ensured the Shield heads north, despite a late Chelsea onslaught on Edwin van der Sar’s goal. The last time these two teams met in the competition it ended 2-2, when a last-minute Wayne Rooney goal ensured the fixture was decided on penalties, eventually won by the Blues."

The goals

Valencia 0-1
Hernandez 0-2
Kalou 1-2
Berbatov 1-3

The preamble

"The more things change, the more they stay the same." (Jean-Baptiste Alphonse Karr, 1849)

There are many ways in which one can interpret this quote. The simplest conclusion that arises is that the one thing that we can be sure of, the only thing that is consistent in life, is that nothing is permanent. And that seems strangely appropriate when discussing Chelsea at present.

We all know that nothing is ever permanent in football and it is that constant change which keeps bringing us fans back for another taste of that heady mix of ecstasy, despair and for long stretches of the season, utter mediocrity. Someone recently told me that they were taking a break from football and in their case supporting Arsenal (if you even consider giving up on your club then you’re not really much of a fan, but that’s beside the point) because it suddenly dawned on them that in their words “none of it really matters.” He thought that after twenty years of loyal support, it just wasn’t worth the pain of riding that crushingly disappointing rollercoaster anymore. Ever since Roman and Chelsea changed the face of football (I hate using that arrogant and hyperbolic phrase but it fits in this situation), he’s watched Arsene put together endless variations of Barcelona-lite only for a big bully (us) or a rich bully (us) or an immovable object (Fergie) to come along and trample all over their kindergarten. Far from nothing ever being permanent in football, for him and many other football fans, things have appeared to stay the same for a little too long now.

And even though we have absolutely no right to complain, at first glance, a sense of déjà vu does appear to be hanging over Chelsea. For better or for worse, our squad has barely changed and as Double winners that may not be such a bad thing. We have experience, power and a winning mentality to protect so missing out on the likes of Kaka and Torres may have been a blessing in disguise. After all, Carlo and Ray were able to steer a Scolari-ruined rabble to the Treble (if Jose counts the Community Shield as a trophy then so will I) with only Zhirkov, Sturridge and Turbull “improving” the squad so a Double winning side plus the tricky and underrated Benayoun may be good enough to win the lot. However, continuity can sometimes lead to stagnation and an experienced squad only needs a few poor results to turn into an elderly one and even though our Lampard-Drogba double-act has probably been this side’s greatest advantage over our rivals, at one point in the near future that strength will turn into over reliance. The biggest problem I have with a lack of evolution in our squad is that we seem to be ignoring one of Fergie’s best pearls of wisdom; that you should always improve your squad from a position of strength. So when you win a big trophy, if you have to ability to spend some money on quality players, you should. Instead of sitting back and admiring your title winning squad you have to jump further ahead of your rivals and go again in the transfer market. Just as we brought in Michael Essien after our first title win – which then helped us win it again – Fergie bought Tevez after wrestling the title off Jose and was then able to win three in a row. This summer presents a great opportunity to blow our rivals away, with Utd languishing in debt, Arsene playing babysitter for the sixth consecutive year and Liverpool placing all their eggs in Woy’s incredibly average basket, and if we don’t improve now, then that could be a very costly decision indeed. City have hoovered up most of the A- talent across Europe and as soon as they can combine their Oil money with Champions League football, then we could easily get left behind in future years. We will never become also-rans like Arsenal but if we miss this summer’s window to refresh our squad then we may be fighting with a rather big fish in future transfer windows.

However, at the risk of contradicting myself, this pre-season does feel a little different to the past two or three and the club does appear to have changed in the close season. Firstly, we’re Double winners so the swagger and confidence that comes with success appears to be back. Secondly, we haven’t had to scramble around for a new manager which is always a bonus. We have one of the five best managers in the world and sticking with him for the next three of four years is the only thing we should be thinking about. But Carlo has overseen some significant changes this summer. Loyal and dedicated servants have left (Joe and Michael Ballack), as have some crucial figures who never quite did it at the club (Deco and Belletti) and Ricky and possibly Hilario look like they could still be shipped out. The fact that we have lost such experience and class should not be overlooked as Deco was brilliant in a surprisingly large number of matches last season (Villa at home comes to mind) and if Ballack hadn’t filled in so perfectly in the holding role or Joe flicked in with that back-heel, our run-in would have collapsed. In their place have come the likes of Ramires (Brazilian Essien), Matic (alarmingly slow), Bruma (future star), Borini (just not good enough at this level), Kakuta (a wonderkid who just hasn’t been given a chance) and perhaps Josh and Patrick Van Aanholt. All or none of these kids may become future Chelsea greats but their arrival hasn’t led to the youthful, pacy boost I was expecting.

Fitness may be the chief aim of pre-season but winning is a habit and the performances seen on our Dutch and German tours were worrying to say the least. Our goalkeeping situation is an embarrassment and doesn’t need to be looked into here but the fact that Anelka has looked dismal thus far and the likes of Kalou, Yossi and Malouda have been rather anonymous should be cause for concern. Many say that little can be drawn from pre-season but it certainly didn’t hurt for Carlo to beat the likes of Inter Milan on our US tour last year. It brought confidence to the squad and that winning habit led to us gaining maximum points from our first six games. Something just seems to be a little bit off in this summer’s performances and it can’t all be blamed on a World Cup hangover. Perhaps this old side has just reached its peak and even if you want to write off the past three defeats, today would be the first opportunity for the doubters to see if Carlo really can equal last year’s success with the likes of Frank, Didier and Nico another year older and only Ramires and Yossi coming in. I have complete trust in Carlo’s managerial ability but if he is unable to bring in the players he wants to, then this may be a dreaded transitional season. If it is, then so be it, but with the opportunity to push further ahead of our rivals staring us in the face, to sit back would be a regrettable mistake in my eyes.

The teams

Hilario; Paulo, Ivanovic, JT, Cole; Mikel, Essien, Frank; Kalou, Anelka, Malouda

Subs: Turnbull, Bruma, Yossi, Zhirkov, Sturridge, Drogba, Van Aanholt

A rather strange line-up in my opinion. Not only because it included the clown that is Hilario but because we again decided to overlook Kakuta. Surely he deserves a place on the bench and with Joe leaving, I actually thought that he would be pushing Kalou for a starting role.

As for Utd, well Rooney and Mickey Owen were back and Green Pea was on the bench.

The match

The day started off rather well for us. We all got to see Franco leading out the FA welcome party and he seemed to get a particularly warm welcome from Carlo in his rather dapper, new D&G suit, which was nice. The side then began the match confidently as we kept the ball for the first three minutes with some rather impressive keep-ball. We may not have gone anywhere, but to see the side keep possession with neat, passing and moving triangles was a huge improvement on the Germany tour. However, the match soon settled down to the pre-season friendly we feared it would be instead of the competitive match-up many hoped for. The pattern was set as we would keep the ball for two or three minutes with some pointless possession amongst our back four and then an aimless long ball would lead to Utd having two or three minutes of keep ball. There was the odd chance such as Ivanovic’s bullet header or Valencia’s under hit lob as Hilario came running out in suicidal fashion (more on that later) but for the most part the first 15 minutes went by at a glacial pace.

The tempo of the match plummeted further as the clock struggled to reach the twenty minute mark and but for a Rooney cross shot and an Anelka long-range effort, absolutely nothing was happening. Most of the attention centred on Paul Scholes for the rest of the half as after miraculously escaping a booking for an awful hack on Malouda, he soon began to control the match. It was worrying to see our midfield three of Frank, Mikel and Essien struggle to get anywhere near Utd’s midfield pairing of Scholes and Carrick so early in the match as Carlo must have thought that a 4-3-3 would be able to dominate the archaic flat 4-4-2. The fact that we were consistently too slow to pressurise their central midfield meant that after our impressive opening, we were soon forced onto the back foot as Scholes grew into his quarterback role. He had the space and time to pick out Valencia’s runs in behind Ashley, almost at will, and in the end that led to the opening goal just on the eve of half time. A perfectly weighted Scholes through ball found Rooney near the corner flag. Seemingly with no options available to him, he drilled a brilliant reverse pass into the box for Valencia to pass into the net. It was a world-class goal which we could do little about and despite Utd barely deserving it, the lack of creativity and attacking threat on show from us meant that we had little to complain about.

The second half began with a number of Utd substitutions including the much-hyped debut of Little Pea and happily for us a change in mentality. Realising that a fourth straight defeat and the relinquishing of a legitimate trophy is hardly the best preparation for a new season, we began to play at a higher tempo and create a few half-chances. They may only have been long shots from Malouda and Kalou but it was a significant improvement on the impotent showing from our front men in the first half. Utd may have been non-existent in this half but Carlo clearly wasn’t happy and after 15 minutes Didier and Daniel Sturridge were brought on for Anelka and Mikel. This bold move nearly led to an immediate equaliser as the tricky and pacy Sturridge helped to set up further efforts from Malouda, a rather timid half-volley from Kalou and a 25 yard curler from Essien. We continued to dominate proceedings as the impressive Ferreira threw in cross after cross, one of which nearly led to a volleyed equaliser from Ashley but our obvious lack of pace meant that we ultimately struggled to break down their rather deep back four.

In the end pace decided the match as despite not touching the ball for the first twenty minutes of the half, Utd were able to grab a second on the break with a very simple goal. Another Scholes long ball in behind Ashley found Valencia whose drilled cross was bundled home by Chicharito. It was unfair on us but it was telling that Valencia’s raw pace was able to finish this match for Utd. We may have been controlling the match but much like the first half, our one-paced and slow possession football resulted in little penetration and ultimately we had been punished by two injections of pace from Utd. The impressive Sturridge soon gave us hope with some incisive runs from the right wing and it was his curling effort which enabled Kalou to pull one back with eight minutes to go. It led to a mini revival as Sturridge and Didier both had shots go close but ultimately our play didn’t deserve an equaliser and with added time nearly up, Berbatov soon scored a third into an empty net from 25 yards out. You may be wondering where Hilario was and his absence was due to some more suicidal decision making. He may only have ruined three clearances in the first 92 minutes of the match but his decision to come running out to the edge of the box when he had no chance of reaching the ball before Berbatov was disgraceful for a goalkeeper at a world class club like ours. If he had stayed in his goal then Berbatov would have had to come up with a rasping 20 yard volley to find the back of the net, but instead all he had to do was lift the ball into an empty net. It was fucking embarrassing and was a rather appropriate end to our dismal pre-season thus far.

The good

• Essien – Another 90 minutes under his belt was a bonus and despite looking rusty in front of goal, his return to “competitive” action was a welcome one. An unstoppable pairing with Ramires looks mouth-watering but it was worrying to see that when Carlo looked for more creativity in midfield, all he could think of was shifting Malouda inside meaning an injury to Essien would leave our midfield completely bare.
• Paulo – A surprisingly adventurous showing from our most loyal of loyal servants and as he always he never let us down.
• Sturridge – The fact he had pace meant that he immediately jumped to the top of the list in terms of our most impressive performers and compared to Kalou, he was brilliant. Kalou may have got the goal but it was Sturridge who had the greatest effect on the game for us. An outside bet for a start next week?
• The pitch – It was great. That’s about it.

The bad

• Our general play – Too slow and too predictable. Our power and experience has allowed us to breeze past most opponents but today exposed us as an old side lacking pace. As soon as Sturridge came on we improved and that was for the simple reason that we had an out-ball and someone who could beat his defender. It makes the decision to leave out Kakuta all the more baffling but with Carlo saying that “they deserved to win because we played too slowly in the first half,” it’s clear to me that we need a new attacking signing. Our side is clearly lacking pace and unfortunately for him, Kalou is not the answer. He’s a great super-sub but still an erratic starter and if we don’t bring in a new signing, I’m not sure if we’ll have enough to break down the inevitable string of parked buses we’ll have to contend with this season.
• Anelka – Completely anonymous.
• Zhirkov – I’m not sure if anyone else has noticed but this pre-season his passing has been shocking and despite the Hamburg back-pass hopefully being a one-off, he nearly repeated the trick today. A worrying run of form for the Russian.

Player ratings

• Hilario – 3/10 – I don’t really care that his kicking improved today. He’s a terrible keeper whose role in the third goal was simply embarrassing.
• Paulo – 7/10 – He just never lets you down.
• Ivanovic – 6/10 – A bit rusty. He’s clearly usurped Ricky but that lazy defending for their second played Valencia onside when JT and Ash had pushed up.
• JT – 7/10 – Calm, controlled and no errors.
• Cole – 7/10 – A regular attacking threat and was perhaps a little too keen to shut up those booing him from the crowd as his attacking runs left us a bit open to Valencia’s runs.
• Mikel – 6/10 – Calm on the ball but will lose his place to Essien when Ramires moves in next to Frank.
• Essien – 6/10 – Still a little rusty but he’ll soon make that holding role his own in a formidable midfield three with Frank and Ramires.
• Frank – 6/10 – Clever switching of play helped to keep the pitch as wide as possible but he was strangely absent from Utd’s penalty box and still looks unfit to me.
• Kalou – 6/10 – Got his goal which was a bonus but his touch was poor at times and he wasted the chance to regularly beat Fabio who is an inexperienced and weak left-back.
• Malouda – 7/10 – Tricky, incisive running and some dangerous long shots meant he was a level above a number of others.
• Anelka – 5/10 – An unfit Didier recovering from an operation did more than him and his awful pre-season form continues.
• Didier (sub) – 5.5/10 – A little more effective than Anelka but that’s not saying much. His attempt at dribbling was so clumsy that he succeeded in bundling his way through three Utd challenges but Carlo still thinks he’s two weeks away from full fitness and without him, we look weak up front.
• Sturridge (sub) – 8/10 – Very impressive. His one-on-one miss was a worrying introduction but after that he seemed to enjoy his right-wing role. A number of incisive runs and rasping shots later, he had helped us bag a consolation and after today, I’d start him ahead of Kalou.
• Yossi (sub) – 5/10 – Anonymous. Did he touch the ball?
• Zhirkov (sub) – 4/10 – Awful. £21m for him would be the sale of the century if Coentrao is available for £16m.
• Bruma (sub) – 5/10 – Didn’t do anything which was hardly his fault.

Man of the Match

For us it could only be Sturridge but it would be ridiculous to ignore Valencia and Scholes’ effect on this game. I’d give it to Valencia whose pace tore us apart twice.

The conclusion

So what do you make of that then? A fourth straight defeat and yet another performance lacking in creativity and attacking threat. Our possession and movement has improved since Hamburg but we seem to be lacking a spark in the final third. Frank was hardly involved today and you can see what happens when out best player fails to create anything for the rest of the side: we create fuck all basically. I’m a little annoyed that everyone at the club seems to be brushing off this dismal form as “only pre-season losses.” On paper, they’re completely right but looking in from afar, it’s clear that this side needs tweaking. The club have done well to move on Joe, Belletti, Ballack, Deco and probably Ricky and the arrivals of Yossi and especially Ramires will certainly help us but much in the same way Alex McLeish complains about at Birmingham, we’ve only replaced those how have moved on and as yet have failed to actually add anything new to the side. Two bursts of pace and a neat passing move cost us the game today and it was only Sturridge’s pace which enabled us to get back into the game. That should tell Carlo that with Malouda, Didier and Nico as his preferred front three, we may struggle to break down a number of defences this season. That trio lacks pace and creativity and despite them guiding us home in last season’s run-in, opposition defences will be ready for them this year. As Utd showed today, a deep and resolute defence and easily keep us out and perhaps the only good thing Carlo can take from this is that yet another disappointing defeat should act as a wake-up call to the players and hopefully Roman about what is needed in the remaining weeks of the transfer window if we are to retain our League and Cup Double.

Related links

• Ancelotti: Not a good pre-season

(more…)

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Newspaper reports

The Guardian, David Hytner: "Chelsea will go into Sunday’s Community Shield against Manchester United having failed to beat top-flight opposition in their pre-season. Their latest blip came when Yuri Zhirkov gifted the Hamburg midfielder Mladen Petric an equaliser in the 72nd minute with a back pass of staggeringly ill-conceived proportions."

Official Chelsea FC Website: "A late goal consigned Chelsea to defeat in our final pre-season friendly at Hamburg on Wednesday evening. Substitute Heung Min Son’s strike with three minutes to go and Mladen Petric’s equaliser cancelled out Frank Lampard’s early opener in the Imtech Arena, as we suffered a third successive loss of the summer, following earlier defeats to Ajax and Eintracht Frankfurt. It wasn’t all bad news though as Didier Drogba came through his first 45 minutes of the pre-season calendar, promising news ahead of Sunday’s Community Shield date with Manchester United on Sunday"

The goals

Lampard 0-1
Petric 1-1
Heung-Min 2-1

Habs‘ summary

Hmmm…so what do we make of that? Before we start we should say that a fee for Ramires has officially been agreed so his arrival will provide some much needed pace and power in the middle of the pitch where we again looked lost when Lamps went off tonight. Lamps, Essien and Mikel looked very good together with some neat movement and possession football but as I said, as soon as the class and experience of Lamps is lost, our midfield goes missing.

But before we jump on the side for yet another sloppy and embarrassing defeat, we have to say that there were some positives, especially in the first half. Our pressing game high up the park and the movement between Frank, Flo and Anelka was very impressive. Ashley also looked full of running for an hour and Paulo and Branners were as steady as ever until our favourite Serb had his eye smashed in. And just to round off a very good first half, Carlo’s decision to pick Turnbull in goal proved to be the right one. He may look overweight but his kicking was exemplary and he even managed to make a few good saves. And yes, I know, Hamburg’s equaliser was a shocker, but it was hardly Ross’ fault that Yuri - who was abysmal by the way - decided to let Petric race through towards an open goal when we were controlling the game.

Of more concern were the familiar failings of the past few matches; principally, a lack of invention and yet more defensive howlers. Ricky’s ocean liner-esque turn for the winner would have been hilarious had it not confirmed the fact that Carlo needs to replace him, hopefully with David Luiz. We should rip Jose’s arm off if he is willing to offer £5m for Ricky because after six great years, it’s clear that he doesn’t want to be here any longer and that his pace has gone. But our attack also looked slow and rather one dimensional when Didier came on. He’s drastically unfit and matches will only help but whereas Anelka and Malouda combined well in a very fluid first half showing, we looked much more rigid with Didier lumbering about on his own. It was also rather strange to see Yossi come on and then rather get ignored by the rest of the side.

However, it’s not yet time to panic. Every pre-season defeat has told Carlo (and Roman) that this side needs improving and with Carlo saying that Ramires will be the first of three arrivals, the squad will get a boost. But despite three straight defeats, which should be a little worrying, the actual performance was a huge step up from the disastrous showings at Ajax and Frankfurt so with a load more training sessions before Sunday, we are still looking pretty good. No-one can say we’ve improved since the end of last season and our pre-season has been anything but great but with our rivals also standing still, there’s no reason to be too alarmed.

Related links

• Reaction: We made mistakes
• Chelsea face permit fight for Ramires

Help a student with his dissertation

Thomas contacted me requesting a little help. He is studying for a Masters Degree in International Relations. For his dissertation, he is examining football’s effect on the European Union. You can help him out by completing this questionnaire. Thanks.

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I was very quick to voice my displeasure at the recent announcement of the Dolce & Gabbana tie up, with all its overtones of the modern sporting obsession with style over substance, building the brand, chasing the big buck and so on.

Then I looked at the upcoming fixtures and I saw that deep within the Chelsea organisation not everyone is jumping on this bandwagon. In a subtle, layered, finely textured approach to maintaining tradition, keeping the club centred and in touch with its origins, a person or persons is quietly signalling in almost imperceptible ways that football and we the fans are what really matter.

It follows therefore that here on Chelsea Blog we will be one of the first to take these messages and amplify them across the footballing world.

Now, I hesitated when I first became aware of the near subliminal signals I was receiving. If not careful I could expose myself to mockery and become a figure of fun. Like one of those people claiming to see the face of Jesus in a half eaten loaf of bread.

But worse than that. Just as when reaching out to hold a snowflake, the better to see its beauty, the heat of your hand will cause it to melt; by spelling out the meaning, I would help the Brandingmiesters within the club to search out and quietly close down the source.

But on balance I decided that they would want me to broadcast the truth.

So pause for a moment and step back from the work-a-day world around you. Close your eyes in a quiet moment of meditation and transport yourself to Fulham Broadway on match days.

Now many of the traditional pubs and eateries have gone replaced in the drive for gentrification by bars, gastro pubs and restaurants. But there is still that same sense of anticipation, the hubbub of voices, the chanting erupting from a watering hole as a door opens.

And yes the smells. The ever present traffic fug, the gaseous odour of fresh horse manure, on cold days the tang of a biting wind, on warm days the unfortunate whiff of human perspiration gone stale in the too tight away strip from three seasons ago.

But there on the breeze as you meander from the station, a pungent sweetness lingers. A grace note floating above the pre-match orchestral din. It has always been there, in the 30’s, in the 50’s, in the 70’s. Through the dark days, through the great years.

Frying onions. The unmistakeable smell of frying onions. Fans long dead, players long gone sniffed them in the air, just as we do today. Mears, Bates and Abramovich, they all recognise that unmistakeable aroma. It’s an unbroken footballing connection through the years. Sugary, acidic, with a tinge of acrid burning.

That smell emanates from hot dog stands and burger vans all around Stamford Bridge, indeed around grounds the country over.

And whoever drew up the pre-season fixture list was well aware that in the era of sponsorship, PR, corporate entertainment and pay per view, someone had to intimate to the fans that there are still those who value the relationship that lies at the heart of the game. The team and its supporters.

And so they arranged two back to back fixtures.

Frankfurt…

And…

Hamburg.

The addition of the suffix –er tells you everything you need to know.

It is surely no accident.

(I assume the proximity to the Charity Shield ruled out having a third fixture offering the Vegetarian Option.)

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Reports

Official Chelsea FC Website: "Chelsea suffered a second successive friendly defeat on Sunday, after a late penalty gave our German hosts a narrow victory. On the balance of play it was perhaps a fair result, though it should be noted that Eintracht Frankfurt are a week ahead of the Blues in their preparations, with the Bundesliga kicking off next weekend. It was individual slips that cost us, first Hilario made a hash of his clearance and then a shirt pull by Branislav Ivanovic handed our hosts a penalty, either side of substitute Frank Lampard’s equaliser."

Goals

Ochs 1-0
Lampard 1-1
Altintop 2-1

Habs‘ summary

Fuck me, that was the worst goalkeeping performance I’ve ever seen in my life. If we thought City at home was bad, then Hilario just trumped it with a display of sheer incompetence that it became laughable by the end. All we can say is that our second choice keeper is a footballer who doesn’t know how to kick a football. We all know his judgement, agility and shot stopping is abysmal but it is his kicking which has worried us all for years now and for a 34 year old not to know how to kick a ball off the ground and into their half is frankly shocking.

But another worry is our general inability to create chances. Yes it’s only pre-season and yes we’re all unfit but Anelka was anonymous today and without Essien and Lamps, our midfield was again dominated by the opposition. Patrick Van Aanholt, Mancienne and Josh were the best of the youngsters although Borini doesn’t look good enough to succeed at this level, and Bruma also looked pretty comfortable at the back which was a bonus. But overall, we did look one-dimensional and rather boring.

If there’s a couple of positives to take from yet another sloppy and slow pre-season defeat, it’s that Carlo must be able to demand some new signings from Roman. Our team lacks creativity and crucially pace up front, as well as a good or even average second choice keeper, and with Utd only a week away, things are not looking good for us after three pre-season games. The squad looks tired, not just from the World Cup, but also from a lack of new arrivals in my opinion. Sometimes a squad just needs a boost from a couple of quality signings and sadly the youngsters won’t be able to do it all on their own on this evidence.

Related

• When All is Seed and Bun – Ketching Up with Pre-Season Fixtures

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This is the news!

Or at least it would be if there was anything of any note coming from the Fulham Broadway Kremlin… or Stamford Bridge as we like to call it. Yes folks, it appears that we’re now living in an
era of disinformation, rumour or just plain old communications blackouts from our beloved club. Obviously the season ticket quota has been sold for next year with no problems, the revenue from
the new strip collections is rolling in and the cost base has been cut through the release of players and some rather less ostentatious pre-season tours. So, with all the £££££ signs falling
into place, they can treat us all with the contempt we deserve. They are of course doing the odd piece for Chelsea TV and the press, but in essence it’s a bit like the government doling out the
truth, it’s all soundbites of political nothingness. Ancelotti speaks, Gourlay speaks, Buck speaks… and yet they have all mastered the art of saying jack shit.

After all, we’re only fans aren’t we?

Yes, I accept that stuff could be going on behind the scenes, but even the tabloid press must be scratching its head at the lack of rumour or anything emanating from the SW6 equivalent of Area
51.

I’d be offended if it wasn’t so familiar to me as the de facto operating model of Kenneth Bates and his motley crew of directors.

So, in the absence of any useful information I’ll try and make some sense of what has happened and what might happen. Then I’m off to France for a month to dish out some payback to some
Manchester United, Arsenal, Spurs and Liverpool fans I know there.

We now know that Juliano Belletti has departed. A good player who made little noise despite not being a first choice regular. But he departs having collected a few medals to add to a collection
of decent ones he already had, and he departs with a handshake and warm gratitude from Chelsea fans, even those who didn’t rate him. Michael Ballack has also gone, and I for one am sorry to see
him leave, but also understand that he was getting slower and that his type of masterly reading of the game is no longer enough in the cut, thrust and pace of the Premier League. Again, he
leaves with most of the knowledgeable fans’ gratitude and warm memories of some outstanding midfield play.

Deco hasn’t officially gone yet, but surely we won’t countenance another season of injury prone mediocrity from a player in worse decline than Shevchenko ever knew? His departure makes me feel
warm, but certainly any of the memories of his tenure with us. What makes me shiver is his name still being on the squad list as I write. Please tell me it ain’t so?

The most controversial departure is probably Joe Cole though. Definitely this blog’s and possibly all Chelsea fans’ most Marmite player of all. Now I’ll be honest here and say that coming from
an age where players like Pele, Best, Cruyff, Bowles, Marsh and our own Alan Hudson and Charlie Cooke, were revered as skilful players, but maybe not as the most hard working of all I am sorry
to see this talent go. I accept that in this day and age such players are easily seen as luxuries, but they are the ones who can open up a game with a single piece of genius. We don’t seem to
accept that these days, but rather laud the players who work hard irrespective of whether they produce anything worthwhile. It’s the old artists versus labourers argument we’ve done before.

I’d have kept Joe and tried to release the best of him, as would any decent coach. I think Ancelotti should have told the board that Cole was worth keeping. To apply the Teflon shouldered
response of ‘it’s about money and therefore nothing to do with me’ argument is frankly bollocks. If he didn’t think Joe was good enough then say so… if he didn’t think he could unlock the
potential then say so… but to blame the bean counters, albeit implicitly rather than explicitly is a crock in my view. In fact whilst I understand the need for some secrecy on new player
deals etc., the lock down we appear to be seeing is utterly patronising. If you’re not going to sign anyone then just say so.

On the arrivals front, we’ve signed Yossi Benayoun. A decent squad player who can do a decent job, even if he is knocked off the ball too easily by virtue of being a skinny type. Does his
signing inspire me? Does it make me excited? Am I looking forward to seeing him in a blue shirt next year with any degree of anticipation?

No.

He’s a workaday, journeyman, decent-ish signing and that’s it.

And that my friends appears to be that. Despite a World Cup that bought to the fore the unusual and lesser known players as the stars we appear to be relying on the framework from last year
plus some relatively untried and untested youngsters… all with potentially bright futures, but few with any minutes of real football under their belts. No signs of a Kaka, a Van de Vaart,
Mesut Ozil, Bastian Schweinsteiger, Thomas Muller, Luis Suarez, the Japanese Honda lad or anyone. Again, they may arrive, but with the Community Shield but three weeks away it is starting to
look unlikely that any real ‘hero’ signings will occur. Again, I have no problem with that, but I just want a clear statement saying as much. Don’t treat me like the proverbial mushroom and
don’t insult my intelligence with garbage political non-speak.

And so, who’s coming in to the squad this year? Well, Gael Kakuta looks a cert and his brief cameos last year showed we appear to have a real talent on our books there. I have rarely known
anyone get the crowd so excited by a debut as he did in his 25 minutes or so against Wolves. Fingers crossed he’s the real deal. We also see Nemanja Matic coming in. He also played against
Wolves for his debut, albeit for 10 minutes or so as I recall. He looked a natural to replace Ballack and his subsequent cameos showed that as well. We have Fabio Borini in as well by the looks
of it. He reminds me very much of a young Michael Owen, although again despite some brief appearances he has yet to find the net at senior level. Looking at the rest of the squad, some complete
unknowns appear in there in the shape of Jacopo Sala and Jan Sebek. My mate Chelsea Bob raves about Sala, but then he’s been promising me Academy jam for 20 years now and so far only JT has
been produced! I know nothing about Sebek at all. Sam Hutchinson also appears in the listing and he made a decent debut last year… but do we really need another centre-back, especially as it
appears than Mancienne is also back in favour? I notice Jeffrey Bruma is also there and yet I hear he’s off to Wolfsburg on loan. I can’t find anything official to corroborate that so let’s
assume he’s with us next year. That leaves just Danny Sturridge, who to be honest made an OK impression last year, plus hooked himself a superb goal against Stoke in our 7-0 demolition of them.
I hope he can make the step from OK striker to something more lethal this year. I notice that Van Aanholt isn’t in the official listing at the moment which is a shame for him, but that Hilario
is… surely we aren’t leaning on him as number 2 again this year? Give Turnbull the deputy keeper slot I say!

So, all in all, as the website listing for the squad shows, we will have 27 in the squad next year. Hardly seems to indicate any room for any big signings unless there are still more to go to
allow the new ones to come in. Whilst I’m happy to see some new blood come in from the academy, it does worry me that they might just be in the squad and that Ancelotti will stick with the
senior players, meaning the kids will get a shot if injuries occur or if we’re winning 6-0. It’s hardly the way in my eyes, and I’m hoping that we see the season as transitional and not busting
things open to win trophies at the expense of development. There is a balance and maybe, like Wenger, and Old Purplenose himself we start to learn to trust the youngsters.

And there you go, it was brief, suitably bi-polar in places (I want new talent, I want new signings, I want to win, I won’t cry if we don’t if the kids are given a go, I will whinge if we’re
not competing) and hopefully the Bi-Polar Express will return in September along with the usual match reports, a return to ‘form’ from me on the results of the games I cover and hopefully a
successful season and new era for our beloved Blues.

Au revoir!

Keep the Blue Flag Flying High!

Related news

• Chelsea hit by injury to defender Alex
• Petr Cech may miss Premier League start

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As self-appointed Poet in Residence, I thought I’d mark the return of the Mighty Blues to some sort of pitch related activity. Mixed in with the intrigue of team composition and tactics for the upcoming season is sadness that Joe has gone and done himself no good signing on for Liverpool of all places.

Thus the following piece contains a certain wistful sadness at spurned love. For I feel spurned by Joe.

But hey ho on we go.

(Editor’s note – As the many lovers of his work will know, BB is a railway enthusiast. This is the first piece by BB to feature a reference, in the penultimate stanza, to the newly opened and refurbished East London Line, running from Dalston in his beloved Hackney to lots of obscure and scary bits of South London, including Crystal Palace. It is a most wondrous contribution to the world of the permanent way. Anyone wanting to know a bit about the history of this line should visit PeteW’s excellent website The Great Wen. I believe he lives in the great darkness that is South London.)

Alice From The Palace

She said her name was Alice,
When she lured me down the “Palace”,
With the promise of a frolic,
One July.

I was full of expectation,
And not a little tribulation,
So brought something alcoholic,
And a pie.

It was all a bit pre-season,
The effort left me wheezin’,
The weather made me shaky,
It was hot.

I offered her a portion,
She enquired of me, with caution,
“Is the pastry flaky?”
It was not.

The food approach discarded,
I felt almost yellow carded,
And had to watch my tackle,
Or get red.

I employed some pass and move,
To try and find the groove,
Anticipation all a-crackle,
In my head.

As she gave a little swerve,
I summoned all my nerve,
Oh! I think about this sad day,
Even yet.

Low down my hand stroked hair,
Joy! Followed by despair,
‘Cause the soft and silky fur lay
On her pet.

The cat howled loud and ran,
‘Twas the nemesis of my plan,
I left with deep depression,
In my soul.

Down the road at Selhurst Park,
A brief light shone in my dark,
As the Bison took possession
What a goal.

By train to Dalston I reflected,
How my heart felt so neglected,
Yet brought with it no malice,
To my house.

For as I walk life’s rocky way,
I know there’ll be another day,
But really hope she’s not an Alice,
Or a scouse.

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Dr Bayou’s Fantastic Facts for the Full-Time Fan (or the passing dilettante for that matter)

While contemplating the season ahead, I heard in my mind’s ear, the clear crystal innocence of Julie Andrews singing “Climb Every Mountain…”, and realised that no preview of the season would be complete without a graphic representation of the various altitude levels at which Chelsea will play their Premiership campaign this upcoming season.

And here it is. I hope it informs and yet at the same time gives pleasure, for then I know my work here is nearly done.

(Just for the record The Bridge is 35ft above sea level and Cobham 38ft.)

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A Familiar Haunt…

A solitary beam of sunlight filters through the tall stained glass window in the Grand Hall of St. Chelsea of Stamford Bridge School for Bi-Polar Excellence, illuminating the particles of dust
dancing in the glow of the morning’s first light. With the sunlight comes a warm current of air permeating the darker areas of the huge atrium lined on either sides with the soon to be filled
pews. Outside the songs of the Sparrows and Starlings do battle with the menacing tones of the Ravens. The sounds of summer indeed. The parquet has been polished, the silverware cleaned up, the
medals sparkling in their velvet bound and lined trays.

The Right Reverend Dr. Anthony Jockstrap Blueheart-Glover flared his nostrils and breathed in deeply. A smile meandered across the thinning lips as the nostalgia filled memories of another
passing season flooded back in.

The heady bouquet of polish, mixed with the sweet scent of the freshly cut flowers either side of the stage and the faint chemical aroma of the Goddards Long Term Silver Polish combined with
the illicit smell of the pre-ceremony Don Ramos Cuban added up to one thing for the good Doctor - the smell of success.

The smell of achievement.

The aroma of faith, belief, dedication and bloody hard work.

He reined himself in lest he portray too much jollity… that would never do for the boys or the staff. This was a ceremony about celebration but the sombre weight of duty and expectancy to
underpin the dignity and gravitas of the institution had to be maintained. An image needed to be maintained and God help him for admitting to this… the ‘brand’ needed to be protected. Damn
those marketing types and their weird bastardisation of the beautiful English language. He despaired every time he sat with them and a shiver ran down the spine at the thought of yet another
marketing moron using phrases such as ‘waterfall cascades of knowledge‘ or ‘keeping everyone on the same page‘ and just one more person uses the phrase ‘picking the low hanging fruit‘ and he
was sure he’d transition into a cross between an agitated Keith Moon and a Terminator T-1000. But he had to accept that the fine institution had seen enough threats to its image this year. The
School was still learning how to deal with the peaks and troughs that accompany success, and learning how to counter the evil acolytes plying their trade in the Fourth Estate. Those shysters
and thugs, those imbeciles filled with alcohol (and more in all likelihood), bile, vitriol and envy, would go to any length to dig the dirt on his beloved establishment. Let’s get it started he
thought, the damned ceremony had been delayed enough with a lot of the pupils off on some overblown festival in South Africa. But they were all back now and ready to be rewarded.

Outside the gathering pupils started to turn up, more mature somehow, as if elements of last year’s ceremony had finally sunk in. They seemed to realise the importance of the event. This year
though, the joshing and banter was embellished with a prevailing veneer of pride layered over the obvious joy of the School’s most successful year to date. 105 years old and finally… finally
on the map. History may well be mostly bunk, but patience and bloody hard work brings the rewards of trophies, confidence, joy and satisfaction he thought… mentally adding the line ‘and
money’.

The cloister bell rung its familiar tone and the boys, one by one shuffled in, some faintly smiling, some with the look of stoic defiance. All standing tall and proud and resplendent in the
school blazers and ties.

Above the muffled commotion a cry of “Please remain standing for your Headmaster, the Right Reverend Dr. Anthony Jockstrap Blueheart-Glover” echoes around the atrium. Quiet descends upon the
Great Hall interrupted by the sure steps and comforting sound of quarter-tipped heel on wood. This was never easy, but this time it seemed a little lighter in tone. He wasn’t sure how he felt
about that.

‘Gentlemen, please be seated.’ He turned his head upwards and glanced at both sides of the upper balcony, newly refurbished to include seats so that the ceremony could be watched by… hmmm…
well… ‘others’.

‘I would ask that the assembled throng of proud parents, relatives, friends and… ahem… acquaintances… of our pupils please remain seated and quiet until the appropriate time. I will
clearly signal when it’s right for you to… ahem… acknowledge the team.’

He thought he glimpsed some blonde haired, white stiletto heeled vacuous bimbo snigger… but in a rare moment of apathy he decided not to pursue any further comment. besides the marketeers
would find a way of bringing it to the attention of the board, and he already had the feeling that they were looking at ways of ‘modernising’ his beloved institution. No need to pinch the
tiger’s tale he thought… not yet anyway. The beginning of the speech was as always, word for word the same as the previous year, a tradition held over decades. He liked tradition, he liked
heritage and he liked history.

‘Today we are gathered here for annual public report covering the performance of all involved with St. Chelsea of Stamford Bridge School for Bi-Polar Excellence… Gentlemen, this is a very
important day for the school. Today you will find out just exactly where you stand on the things you did throughout this school year. For some this will be a chance to celebrate your
achievements and to receive the deserved credit from your peers for your hard work. For others it will be an experience from which you should listen hard and learn from. For some, it will be
painful, hard to hear and… as you know we believe the chance to be part of this esteemed establishment is one of life’s greatest honours. For those who have dishonoured our great
establishment, there will be public scorn.’

He did what any self respecting Principal would do and took a fleeting moment to send a panoramic glare across the hall over the top of the even newer funky designer varifocals. It never
occurred to him that the irony of the juxtaposition of his sense of tradition combined with his penchant for trendy glasses and clothes was a well worn subject of debate with everyone at the
school.

‘Gentlemen, we start of course with the pupils… the people upon who we trust to take us forward and through the delivery of great results, to take us to glories anew. To boldly go where no
‘Blue’ has gone before. Gentlemen, as always this means starting with our defensive line…’

‘Mr. Petr Cech, please stand up…’ This was new… the pupils had never had to stand up before. Cech stood up, not nervously, but slightly shocked by this change of tack from a man they all
looked up to.

‘Well done young man, the road to recovery is often long and strewn with setbacks, but you’re showing more and more resilience and there’s no doubt that when you’re injured we are more nervous
than usual. A good overall 8 from 10 on results and 9/10 on sheer effort. Be proud and enjoy the break. Sit down now and enjoy the rest of the ceremony.’

Sniggers and gasps flitted around the hall, stopped immediately by one of his best disapproving over the glasses stares. Cech sat down and smiling he visibly relaxed in his seat.

‘Mr. John Terry… get up young man.’

Terry stood up and looked at the good Doctor, but the reciprocated glower made him bow his head suddenly.

‘My God, you’re a great Captain. You fight to the death metaphorically speaking, you battle and you always try your hardest. For that I cannot fault you.’

The smile went over his lips, but the subsequent words cut him short…

‘BUT young man,’ said the Doctor accentuating the sentence but not quite to the level of an enraged shout, ‘you’re behaviour away from this fine institution stinks. You seem to be incredibly
stupid when the ball isn’t within your vicinity… allegations of acts with team mates’ ex… ahem… acquaintances… allegedly dodgy payments in return for tours of our facilities… your PR
isn’t good at all. It MUST improve or I have no doubt the Marketeers and The Board will make some big decisions on your behalf. But there’s no denying you have been the Captain under the
school’s most successful ever period and for that alone you get 9/10 on both counts. Now sit down, think long and hard and try and keep things under control… you know exactly what I mean!’

Even the Principal had to smile at that… the resultant sniggers and giggles were allowed to ripple around for a few seconds. At heart thought the Doctor, he’s just a typical hard working man
led by primeval urges rather than brains. He smiled just a little… after all we’ve ALL had those moments and yes, he meant ALL of us!

Terry sat down, thankful it hadn’t been worse, because frankly he knew he deserved it.

“Mr. Ashley Cole…’ and before he could finish saying the words, Cole was stood bolt upright and looking straight at him. The message had got through.

‘Well done boy. You’ve had troubles, but they’ve been entirely of your own doing, and it’s obvious by the lack of any… ahem… presence in the Gallery that you’ve paid a heavy personal price.
The best lessons are the most painful. Your effort in supporting the goals for this school have been noted and you also deserve a 9/10 on both counts, plus a special notation on the report
because of your refusal to cave in when that injury threatened your continuing contribution. Well done young man, but learn those lessons.’

Cole smiled and sat down. Was the old boy getting a bit soft?

‘Ricardo Carvalho…’ Up stood the Portuguese gent in question…

‘Not your best year, plagued by injuries and uncertain form… it seems that change doesn’t sit well with you.’

Carvalho nodded slightly as if he already knew this, but he had a point to prove… all he had to do was convince the boss that he was till the man at centre-back.

‘6/10 on both counts and a warning to pull your socks up next year… you are very talented… but your lack of commitment when things are uncertain make it look like your a bit of a sulker. I
want you to succeed whilst you’re here so let’s look forward young man not back… now sit down.’

Carvalho duly obeyed. Not a whisper was heard around the great Hall. He was on a roll now and the tone and speed of his voice picked up… after all this was a celebration for the most part. He
wondered if he was going a bit soft.

‘Next - Branislav Ivanovic… what can I say?’ The young man looked shyly upwards.

‘Marvellous young man, marvellous. A shining example of hard work, following instructions, great ability and superb reading of every situation. Top marks, and a special distinction for this
year. No one gets 10 from 10, so you get 9.5 on delivery and effort. Enjoy the summer and come back strong. You were very nearly St. Chelsea’s Top Boy this year.’

As Branislav sat down, he could feel the pride bursting from his young chest. A small ripple of applause started up and the good Doctor was momentarily mortified, but he let it build and and
then intervened…

‘Please everyone, there’ll be plenty of time for that later… Michael Ballack… quiet, deadly efficient and once again a head scratching contribution. It’s sometimes hard for those not in the
know to see what you bring to the party but I see it, and I thank you for it. I know you’re off to pastures new, but you go with our thanks and our best wishes for the future. Who knows you may
be back one day in a different capacity. We all know you have the intelligence to go far, your final report will show 8’s on both counts.

‘Francis Lampard… I won’t dwell. Wonderful again. Model pupil. 9/10 on both counts. Terry… take a leaf from Lampard’s book on behaviour.

‘Florent Malouda… your best year yet young man. You’ve matured and learnt the lessons from last year. Keep it up and well done. 9/10 on results and 8/10 on effort.

‘Joseph Cole… a mystery wrapped in an enigma. All of the skills, loads of effort but none of the results. We know your demands and I tried to argue the case but The Board, headed up by the
Very Learned Lord Kaiser Jonathan Dyer Esquire including Doctor B.L. Uebayou, Lord Marco of Manni, Sir Dave BlueBoy, Count PeteW and young Baron Haberdashers have all decided that your time is
over here. We wish you luck but with regrets over so much unfulfilled promise.’

Cole sat down, he’d known this for some time. He was determined to show them… anyway he had to call that nice Mr. Wenger up after this ceremony. He seemed a pleasant chap… perhaps he could
help?

‘At this time I’d like to mention some casualties for whom we can’t grade… Mr. Jose Bosingwa and Mr. Michael Essien. You have big futures here and you have our sympathies for the bad luck on
injuries. Mr. Bosingwa especially has a huge challenge getting his place back from young Ivanovic!’

Both young men looked at each other. Both were a mixture of sad and angry at having been denied the chance to be part of the great achievements this past year.

‘John Obi Mikel… a good all round effort. I’d like to see more positivity in your play, running forward more often. You had big boots to fill and did a good job overall. 8/10 on results, 7/10
on effort.

‘Mr. Alex… another fine season proving last year was no fluke. Well done and let’s see you do it even better next year or Mr. Carvalho will be ready and waiting! 8/10 on both disciplines.

‘Nicolas Anelka… a bit lower key this year, but then we know why. Your selfless attitude towards your fellow striker is to be admired even if it has cost you goals. I still maintain your
ability to hold the ball and keep it under control is unmatched by any of our rivals. You have earned your extension young man, 8/10 on both counts.

‘Mr. Kalou… well, well, well… another season of sublime and ridiculous, and yet you’ll be staying. This is because your attitude is utterly faultless and just because you make poor
decisions I do see enough there to continue to persevere with you. Now, get more goals and things might be even better for you… 7.5/10 on both counts.

‘Yuri Zhirkhov… it looks good and you must be patient. I admire your flexibility and willingness to play in a number of positions. Your attitude us good despite not always being a first
choice. I like what you show. 7/10 on both counts which as everyone knows… is a good start here.

‘Mr. Deco. I know what you can do. The fact that you decide to show it only sporadically does for you here now. Lengthy sick-notes didn’t help and overall the attitude just wasn’t good enough.
You are the weakest link… goodbye.’

The brazilian boy was conspicuous by his absence… and the sad fact remained that no-one had really noticed. How very apt thought the Doctor. The pupils look utterly apathetic although a few
laughed at the weak joke. The Principal knew it was weak, but humour wasn’t really his bag on occasions like this.

‘Mr. Didier Drogba…’ and even before the big Ivorian had stood up the applause, defiant in its nature thundered across the hall. To his own surprise, even the good Doctor found himself
smiling and applauding. He was going soft dammit! But this boy was an enigma. Deep and mysterious, complex and commanding respect, yet strangely susceptible to moments of utter madness. And
utter brilliance. He continued…

‘…your best with us yet young man. A record tally of goals getting you our own Golden Boot award but the overall one as well. Goals at Wembley and finally… at the Theatre of Nightmares. To
think that jug eared balloon faced Rooney chap beat you to Footballer of the Year… even I think that’s an insult. You have been inspirational and even when I doubted you, you came back even
stronger. You are this year’s St. Chelsea Top Boy. Well earned for the 10/10 you get on both counts…’ The watchers all gasped to a man and woman… this was unheard of before. It was akin to
the Korbut Olympic perfect 10’s… unprecedented. Even Drogba himself look shocked.

‘Sit down young man, you’re now a major part of our great and growing history.’

‘Before we go into the team’s achievements, let me cover off some of those who have been on the fringes. They don’t get rated and yet at some point have all made contributions to this, our most
successful year. Juliano Belletti, you leave us with thanks and admiration, we wish you well. Daniel Sturridge, you have a potentially great future with us, I look forward to seeing you
develop. Paulo Ferreira… a stalwart who we know we can rely on… Gael Kakuta… we can see the confidence and potential, carpe diem young man, carpe diem. Hilario, thanks for coming to our
aid when needed, the same goes for Ross Turnbull. Keep plugging away Turnbull. Jeffrey Bruma, Patrick Van Aanholt, Sam Hutchinson, Fabio Borini and Nemnaja Matic continue to show us that we can
and will develop the new breed to take this great club forward.

‘And finally we turn to the new man and his assistant… Signor Carlo Ancelotti and Raymond Wilkins… The Board would like to express their heartfelt thanks for bringing such success to the
Club, but also bringing quite confidence, an aura of calm and stability as well. Mr. Wilkins, you have shown your value across the whole team, helping coach the first team and the younger
players, liaising between all players and Signor Ancelotti… and yes… even being happy to put the cones out. Well done. Signor Ancelotti, even the most suspicious amongst us have had to
admit our misgivings were a mistake. You have made this club great and returned us to where we feel we belong. And more importantly where our kind benefactor, Mr. Abramovich, expects us to be.
A simply stunning start, and all done without tarnishing our image, or affecting our… ahem… brand.’

He knew that would annoy some, especially the hinted sarcastic intonation on the word ‘brand’… he allowed himself, as deeply reverend as he was to utter the thought words… ‘Fuck ‘em!’ His
cheeks blushed at the use of such industrial language, albeit internally.

No-one noticed this small slip… the change in stance meant he was now addressing the whole of the Great Hall… he continued.

‘To all of you gathered here today let me tell you about this season. Like all of you the memories of Premiership glory were starting to fade. The level of joy that brings to every soul who
loves this august institution cannot be matched. We felt joy last year at winning the grand old trophy, the FA Cup, after what we all thought might be yet another silverware drought season. To
do that again is of course a great reason to celebrate, but to win it after securing the pinnacle of English football prizes is indeed a source of immense pleasure. That sense of pleasure is
made even more acute in my own case, as such was the turbulent nature of the season on the field and in some cases, off the field…’

His eyes flashed towards Terry. His and everyone else’s as it turned out.

‘I am fortunate enough to remember the epic battles between Muhammed Ali and Joe Frazier, and the Rumble in the Jungle between Ali and George Foreman. These were fights which swung to and fro
as to comparative old stagers stood toe to toe and slugged it out to the very end. This season was like those fights. From the very start we were in truth battling against our enemy in
Manchester United. For three years they won the top prize, whilst in truth we ate the remaining crumbs left on then table. It’s almost as if that fateful Moscow night had injected fear into our
renowned steely heart. It’s taken time, different coaches and finally a combination of experience and calm with some new blood to take us back to the level we were at under Mr. Mourinho. Are we
there yet? No… would be my opinion, but we’re damn close!’… A slight intake of breath…

‘And from the ups and downs of a season, a season incorporating hard fought wins against those who did humiliate us last year through scintillating displays bringing us 5, 7 and 8 goals on
several occasions to strange muted defeats at Wigan, and the new hated money rivals in Manchester sky blue. Do not forget Tevez and his ridiculous diving antics against all and sundry this
year. Mr. Drogba has learnt the folly of that way, but like him I find it odd that Tevez barely gets mentioned for his swan dives, whereas this year’s Top Boy will always be mentioned in the
derogatory manner, irrespective of how true it is now. Do not worry young Drogba, it’s just an example of the hideous anti-Chelsea bias prevalent in a predominantly Arsenal, Liverpool and
Manchester United loving press. Putting the downs aside, the highs were fantastic and the coach, his assistant and the players have a lot to try and live up to next season. Can we win the
Champions League next year? Of course… but that prize may be at the cost of others… history, despite being mostly bunk, does show that few teams win their league and win the Champions
League, but it isn’t impossible and we all know which prize Mr. Abramovich covets the most… even so, we now have the belief and Mr. Ancelotti has already promised some of the younger elements
that they will be part and parcel of the first team squad. We’re saying some goodbyes but will be saying some hellos as well. Mr. Benayoun, formerly of The Liverpool School for Underprivileged
Kids Who Are Gullible and Don’t Read Too Good will be joining us, and… well… let’s wait and see what the summer period brings us.’

He paused, adjusted the glasses and prepared to finish proceedings…

‘We tried to progress our European adventure, but as luck, or UEFA would have it we met up with our old friend, Jose Mourinho, and despite being confident it was was obvious that no-one knew
better how to thwart us than our former hero. But despite that disappointment and the subsequent poor away draw against a much inferior Blackburn, we entered the end game part of the season
head to head against Manchester United. Yes Arsenal were still there despite being emphatically beaten by us and United. But despite their easier run in they… choked… I believe that’s the
in-phrase nowadays… and you people didn’t. In fact you went further than secretly any of us expected and ended the season, knowing we needed to win against a potential banana skin team in
Wigan, and you dished out an 8-0 lesson. Listen, there is no better way to decide where the title is coming and even in our greatest moments in the past, I think we can all say we’ve never felt
the old place rock quite like that. Capping it off a week later, eschewing the chance to really celebrate to ensure this great club joins the small list of those who can say they have done The
Double. Let people decry it as no longer the achievement it was. And then ask them who they support and when the last time they did it was!

‘And so we come to the end of this ceremony. It’s been a very good year. It’s pre-season very shortly, and it’s coming to the beginning of the next adventure. It will be tough, no-one else has
weakened, but neither have they strengthened to any great degree… as yet. Our focus will be the Champions League and that will be the top priority, but we can at least get to the last four
again. And once there… well… why not us? I can also see another tight battle for the Premier League, between us, the Academy of Manchester United and now the College of Manchester City, and
The Arsenal Kindergarten will be there. A four way battle should whet everyone’s appetite! That scoundrel Redknapp has improved the vile Tottenham Hotspur Approved School who might well be dark
horse for the top four coveted positions. The Liverpool School for Underprivileged Kids Who Are Gullible and Don’t Read Too Good will battle it out with Aston Villa College. And… well who
cares about anything else… you’ve all earned the right to celebrate, even if big expectations and improvement is expected from some. Overall, as a team, as a unit, as a group who wanted that
taste of glory, you’ve done this school proud.’

The audience stood without the cue… the tension and expectation filled the musty air…

‘We now look to Signor Ancelotti to guide us onto more and greater glories. We wish him luck. We wish you luck, but then we also know you have the ability to minimise our reliance on that fair
Lady. I now declare this ceremony officially over. For some our holidays start now, and as per usual I will be away for August… my deputies will be watching you all closely… now please
celebrate in the time honoured tradition and… err… well… party on and let’s keep The Blue Flag Flying High!’

The hats fly into the air, proud parents clap from the sides. Wives and girlfriends squeal with delight, some even cry. The boys break into broad smiles but not delirious cheering, they all
seem a little more mature now… but they still look towards the stage and and again they uniformly give three cheers for the Head.

He once again peers over the rims of the glasses, a moistening around the eyes forms, which he immediately dismisses as sweat… probably the Stilton and Crackers he had for lunch accompanied
by a very tasty, but highly illicit glass of Rioja. It wasn’t a tear and he wasn’t going soft, he semi-convinced himself. He wasn’t even tired as would be usual at this ceremony, but he’d had
the break and this was a late occasion due to the soiree down South Africa way. Yes, as usual during the season he’d kicked every ball, tackled every player, and headed every cross. He’d jumped
and slumped all within minutes, he berated and complimented the same boy within seconds. Yes, it was in his heart and soul. He had and always would be fully encased within the St. Chelsea of
Stamford Bridge School for Bi-Polar Excellence. He wouldn’t have it any other way.

The Right Reverend Dr. Anthony Jockstrap Blueheart-Glover slips away quietly, slowly closing the huge wooden door behind him. He sat in his office, the whoops and cheers, the laughter now
moving away from the building toward the marquee. He’d pop down later for a Pimms and a pint of Old Thumper. When the fuss had died down. For now, he kicked off the shiny metal heeled shoes,
slipped off the robe, removed the bow tie, undone the buttons on the Tyrwhitt shirt, leant back in his battered old leather chair, stockinged feet on the leather embossed desk. The no smoking
sign caught his eye. He smiled… he knew that wise caretaker Benfield… in his eyes the real boss… had used his techno-geek knowledge to disable the smoke alarm in the office. Good chap
that Benfield he thought. He pulled n ashtray from the draw, unravelled the 9” Cohiba Cuban special… an hour’s smoke at least, he fiddled with the engraved Zippo lighter. He poured the Rioja
from the decanter into the large tulip crustal glass, a reassuring ting rang out when glass touched glass. The sunlight streamed through, and as the computer played the first strains of Shine
On You Crazy Diamond… he lit the cigar… sometimes life was just perfect… if there is a heaven… could it ever match this?

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An update on the progress of Chelsea players representing their countries at World Cup 2010.

Frank Lampard, John Terry, Ashley Cole - ENGLAND

Group C: England 0 - 0 Algeria

Match reports

The Guardian, Kevin McCarra: "The World Cup finals have indeed opened up a new chapter in the tale of Fabio Capello’s England. It makes for grim reading. His team will still qualify for the knockout phase so long as the Group C leaders, Slovenia, are beaten on Wednesday, but none of the supporters will have been invigorated by that meagre fact. Before the end, booing had broken out, yet Capello might almost have forgotten what dissatisfaction sounded like until this night in Cape Town. The manager must now recall what is to be done in adversity because success against Slovenia will merely lead to deeper trouble if England go on trundling around the pitch."

Daily Telegraph, Henry Winter: "Abject, awful, atrocious - and those are just the As. England were absolutely appalling in drawing with the excellent Algerians at Green Point Stadium last night. Fabio Capello’s men lacked belief, shape, energy and, unless they buck up their ideas, any future in this wide open World Cup. Get a grip, Capello."

Other Group C results: England 1-1 USA; Algeria 0-1 Slovenia; Slovenia 2-2 USA

See BBC Sport’s Group C news page for latest table and news.

Florent Malouda, Nicolas Anelka - FRANCE

Group A: France 0 - 2 Mexico

Match reports

The Guardian, David Hytner: "Manchester United have not seen much of Javier Hernández yet but the striker who will join them for the new season delighted the hordes of underdressed Mexican fans in chilly Polokwane by scoring the goal that set his side on the way to victory against a ragged France. Hernández came on as 55th-minute substitute and made the breakthrough nine minutes later, beating the offside trap by a matter of inches and leaving France looking at almost certain elimination. A penalty from another substitute, the veteran Cuauhtémoc Blanco made certain of victory 12 minutes from time, taking Mexico level with Uruguay at the top of Group A and leaving France and South Africa with a point each. A point is about all France deserve after two underwhelming displays at this World Cup and, though they could finish their group games with a victory over South Africa, the worry will be that Mexico and Uruguay will draw, enabling both to progress."

Daily Telegraph, Rory Smith: "At least Raymond Domenech can console himself that it was, perhaps, written in the stars. France, the team many regard as the most fortunate and least deserving of all those with a place at the World Cup, now stand on the cusp of become its first high-profile casualty. Impotent against Uruguay, France were wholly embarrassed by Mexico. Two games, no goals, one point. Regardless of how Domenech’s side fare against South Africa in their final group game, a draw between their two prior opponents in Rustenburg on Tuesday will condemn them to an early exit. Their manager’s reign looks set to close in the utmost ignominy."

Goals:Hernandez 0-1, Blanco 0-2

Other Group A results: Uruguay 0-0 France; South Africa 1-1 Mexico; South Africa 0-3 Uruguay

See BBC Sport’s Group A news page for latest table and news.

Paulo Ferreira, Ricardo Carvalho, Deco - PORTUGAL

Group G: Portugal 7 - 0 North Korea

Match reports

The Guardian, David Hytner: "This was a collective destruction of a North Korea team who had started quite well. The Dear Leader would have been somewhat less pleased with their second-half efforts, when the manager, Kim Jong‑hun, admitted they "fell apart". Kim said that he must accept the blame."

Daily Telegraph, Mark Ogden: "For 29 minutes, the romantics were offered the tantalising possibility that North Korea, with their over-sized playing kit anduniform haircuts, could surpass their heroic 1966 predecessors with a World Cup victory against Portugal. Seven goals later, and with Cristiano Ronaldo having ended his 16-month international goal drought to cap a stunning performance, the Koreans had been given a taste of ruthless football reality which even their Dear Leader, Kim Jong-il, will struggle to spin in his favour. Barring the unlikely combination of a defeat against Brazil in Durban on Friday and a nine-goal swing in favour of Ivory Coast, who face the North Koreans in Nelspruit at the same time, Portugal will progress to the last 16 from Group G alongside the Brazilians."

Goals:Meireles 1-0, Simao 2-0, Almeida 3-0, Tiago 4-0, Liedson 5-0, Ronaldo 6-0, Tiago 7-0

Other Group G results: Portugal 0-0 Ivory Coast; Brazil 2-1 North Korea; Brazil 3-1 Ivory Coast

See BBC Sport’s Group G news page for latest table and news.

Salomon Kalou, Didier Drogba - IVORY COAST

Group G: Brazil 3-1 Ivory Coast

Match report

Daily Telegraph, Kevin Garside: "A travesty of a red card for Kaka and a Fabiano firecracker, described by Ivory Coast manager Sven-Goran Eriksson as blatant handball, are the ticker-tape features that commanded the immediate attention. Beneath the headlines Brazil delivered a performance out of the joga bonito handbook and consigned that boring, boring Dunga tag to the World Cup dustbin. Kaka’s red card for a second bookable offence, following what appeared to be a shameful collapse by substitute Kader Keita, was a blot but not one that will prove too costly for Dunga’s team."

Goals:Fabiano 1-0, Fabiano 2-0, Elano 3-0, Drogba 3-1

Other Group G results: Portugal 0-0 Ivory Coast; Brazil 2-1 North Korea; Portugal 7-0 North Korea

Branislav Ivanovic - SERBIA

Group D: Germany 0 - 1 Serbia

Match reports

The Guardian, Daniel Taylor: "For Germany, the damage may be only superficial. They have a game against Ghana on Wednesday and will still confidently expect to clamber safely out of Group D but they have now been exposed as fallible when the perception previously was of no other side being better prepared, or more clear-eyed, when it comes to the art of playing tournament football. After swatting aside Australia with almost contemptuous ease in their opening match, they were beaten here by a 38th-minute goal from Milan Jovanovic, newly of Liverpool, and the un-German-like failure of Lukas Podolski to score from the penalty spot after Nemanja Vidic’s handball on the hour. Serbia defended stoutly, played some neat, accomplished football, rode their luck and, ultimately, rejoiced in the most improbable result of the competition bar Switzerland’s victory over Spain. Germany had not lost a group match in the World Cup since going down 2-0 to Denmark in 1986."

Daily Telegraph, Jeremy Wilson: "This Germany team really are something very different. On Sunday, we saw flair, adventure and the sort of carefree approach to football that only a team brimming with youthful exuberance could possibly produce. And on Friday we got the sort of self-defeating indiscipline that might be an occasional hazard of inexperience, but which would have been unthinkable in Germany teams of the past. What is more, the most devastating nation in world football from 12 yards even missed a penalty. Lukas Podolski was the culprit and, amazingly, it was the first miss outside a penalty shoot-out from a Germany player since Uli Hoeness in 1974. Earlier, Miroslav Klose had become the first Germany player to be sent off for eight years."

Goal: Jovanovic 0-1

Other Group D results: Serbia 0-1 Ghana, Germany 4-0 Australia, Ghana 1-1 Australia

See BBC Sport’s Group D news page for latest table and news.

Related

• Chelsea at World Cup 2010
• Chelsea at World Cup 2010: A Disappointing Start

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